We said we would be friends for a long time, but here we are, split apart. I ended this futile friendship. What was I to you? A tool? A game? You confused me so much. It seemed at times like you really cared about me. You were there for me when times got tough. You were my shoulder to cry on, and cry on I did. But now...here we are. Broken.

You said you wouldn't lie to me, because there would be nothing to lie to me about. But lie to me, you did. Yes, there were times when you told me you had lied to me. It upset me and you told me that I shouldn't hold it against you, since in the end, you had told me you lied to me. I forgave you those times. But this time, the last time that you would ever lie to me...that was the last straw.

I trusted you. Yet you told people things that I told you not to say to anyone else. Why did I put up with the bullshit like that? Was it because my feelings for you were clouding my judgement?

I thought you fucking cared about me! But we fought too fucking much, and it drove me to my breaking point! You and I laughed whenever you played games with other people, pretending to talk to them like you liked them, but on the inside, you fucking hated their guts. Is that what you did to me? Played with me? Made me feel like you really gave two shits about me, just to take advantage of me?

I was lost, and confused about you. I still don't know what it was about you that made me fall for you, but I'm getting over those silly little feelings. After all, you could never love me, right? You're straight. Yeah, and pigs can fly. Make up all of the excuses you want, but I know you have, or had, feelings for me.

I think you need to figure yourself out, and work out those self esteem issues that you think you don't have, but you do. Everyone sees you as a little tramp. I tried to protect you from projecting that image, but you pushed me away all the time, and yelled at me. So you know what? Fuck you. FUCK. YOU!!!

Why did I stay friends with you? Pity? Feelings? I can't even fucking stand looking at your face anymore! Just get out of my life!

You betrayed me. You lied to me. You hurt me. You said you loved me. Did you, really? Because you really had a fucked up way of showing it. Yeah, I saw your strengths and weaknesses, but you never truly opened up to me. That's all I really ever wanted from you. To just be honest. You were too honest sometimes. Showing your anger when you were upset with me, which was just about every fucking day.

I bet you regret it now, don't you? I see the glances you try to sneak when you think I'm not paying attention. Are you trying to break me? Do you think I'll come running back, on my knees, and apologize my heart out and beg you to give me another chance? FUCK no. I was a true friend to you all the time. I never lied to you. If I had some money left in my pocket, and you needed gas, I gave it to you without a second thought. And what did you do for me in return? Treat me like shit.

I want you out of my head, and out of my life. You lost something that could have been special, or was. You took me for granted. And I finally saw you for who you were. I ended the friendship before I got stuck even more. Just.......leave me alone. I don't need you.

Parallel universes.....each of us has a purpose, thus we live. All choices we make lead us to an unchanging Fate. What is meant to be will happen, no matter how we go about it. We are free to live, but the outcome shall always remain the same. Because that is Fate. And although we live freely, Destiny whispers words to help us move along, to make our decisions. So...are we truly free beings? Or is there an unseeing force, such as Destiny, that moves us along our path, that makes choices for us unconsciously?

Yes, we have control over our lives. We make a choice on a matter, such as drinking juice for breakfast, but in another universe, at that same exact moment in time, we drink milk instead. There must be so many parallel universes, for every choice we make, the other choice is carried out in another universe. But in the end, all choices lead to one outcome. One Fate.

Soul mates. Do they exist? We have lived over a hundred lives, over and over again, going through the cycle of Birth and Death. We are born, we meet our Fate, and we die. Thus, the cycle is repeated for as long as eternity exists. So what are the chances of meeting your soul mate? That one person who has been destined to make you whole. There are so many old souls roaming this Earth in the form of a human. Do our choices, conscious and unconscious ones, lead us to our soul mate? Each lifetime, we must fulfill a purpose. Then we can die and be reborn. How many times do we meet our soul mate in eternity?

Fate...Destiny...are all things predetermined? Do we have the power to change our Fate? People wear masks to hide their true selves. But we feel that connection within us when we feel that we have met our soul mate. As if you have seen or met them somewhere before, long ago, from another lifetime. Everything is a masquerade. Wear the mask, or we shall perish in the depths of pain and suffering, as every other life lived before has. Only the one destined to make us whole can ease that pain and suffering, for every lifetime is spent to achieve what each wants most.

-------------------------------------------------------------
What do I want most? Well....the raging battle between my heart and mind hasn't stopped...I do not know what I want...it's a confusing sea of emotions....and I keep feeding my mind with lies in order to shut off the pain in my heart. But I don't want this. I want only one thing....but it is too far from my grasp, and the other is afraid. Why must I suffer? What is my Fate? Will I meet my soul mate? Have I met them already? Out of all of those souls in the world that have lived hundreds of lifetimes, have I crossed paths with the one that my soul is calling out to?

[I'm Roku!] Which Avatar character are you?

That's the yin yang wolf tattoo that i finally decided on......the black part came out a bit wierd, but it still looks good nonetheless...



And this is SUPPOSED to be Natsuki's HiME mark.....but we were both kind of rushing to get out of there (since the wolf tattoo took over 3 hours.....) and I really had some place I had to be....so the position is a bit off, and it's a bit too big.....but that's ok.

And now......I have to deal with the pain....and the peeling....for 2 weeks. Oh joy =\

I'm planning on getting 2 more tattoos this Friday, after I go to IHoP with some co-workers.
One is Natsuki's HiME mark, around the same area where she has hers, and another howling wolf, but this time, on my right arm. I'm hoping it turns out better than the one on my left arm......damn professional people are assholes sometimes....but yeah, these are gonna be cheap tattoos, since it's the nephew of one of my co-workers, and she tells me he does a good job and it's very cheap.....
Now if only I could pick out the howling wolf tattoo that I want to get.....they're all just so good >___<

Edit: Does anyone have a good picture of the HiME mark? I need it so I can show it to the guy who will be doing my tattoo. I'd appreciate it greatly ^^

Ok ok...I'm about to ramble about the series finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender!! I just can't stop watching that last minute.....it has me so mushy....-sqeeeeeee- KYAAA I can't help it >___< WHY CAN'T SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN IN MAI HIMEEEEE?????? BETWEEN OUR BELOVED SHIZNAT PAIR?!!! /rant

Ok, well, onto a spoiling video, which is the main reason of this post:

......because she also needs Natsuki! :D (There ya go, Leebot :P )



And since we're on a "James Bond" moment, why not.



And since we were on the subject of Mai Otome.....



(Yes! I'm spamming with good youtube videos!!!) Sorry, there were too good not to share! lmfao

TRYY ITT IT'S SOOOO MUCH FUNNNN

Why did you kill me, Racheal? All I wanted was your gold coins....
;~;

Ok, for those who I haven't personally spoken to yet, BloomingSakura is down permanently. My host's servers went down, and the information from the forum went along with it =\ So yeah...it's all gone. I'm going to buy a server and a new board sometime soon, but not right now. It's going to be bigger and better than before., hopefully. I'm trying to see if Lone Wolf would like to be in an owner partnership with me, so I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for that >.<

And yeah....I'm busy with school, trying to get good grades before prom gets here. I have a friend who is going to be my date for prom, and I have to get my tux tomorrow before they raise the damn prices >___< If you guys need to reach me for anything, I always check this email, and it's my MSN: samywolf@hotmail.com

The place where I work at got robbed.....
Thank God I was off, but unfortunately, one of my co-workers got hurt....
I bet the gun wasn't even loaded....the asshole never even fired it! Man, if I were there...I would have kicked his ass so hard......ooo....I'm so angry.
Why do people in the American society have to do stupid shit like this....they didn't even have any masks on....dumbasses.....
First time in that Little Caesars that we ever got robbed...and I'm not there....Man........happened 2 hours ago too...
They took my friend's purse too....no money though....retards......
People are stupid.

Thought I'd post a useless ranting. Maybe this will help me get over my depression. Yesterday was such a shitty day....everything just went wrong. I thought going to a quinceanera would help me feel better about the day.....but it only resulted in me almost killing myself, seriously. We went there for half an hour, and then Erica, a co-worker of mine, wanted to go drinking at Carlos' house. It's all underage drinking. They got some 21 year old guys to buy them the beer. My mom said I had to be home by 12, so I didn't go to his house. We had to push my truck down the street, because starting it up would wake Erica's mom up, and they didn't want her to wake up. That sucked. And then I come home, text some of my friends that are at the party, and none of them answer me.

That really just made me lose it. Lately I've just been feeling like no one really gives a shit about me. I'm just  taken for granted, or used. I've decided to start trusting no one, because it's only been resulting in me almost killing myself. And when I start thinking like this, I just start to say stupid shit like "I just feel like dying....I'm going to kill myself" blah blah.....and yesterday was the one time that I really wanted to kill myself so badly. But I REALLY hate to think like this....I keep telling myself that suicide is the coward's way out of problems and life. But I just feel so empty....I don't have a purpose. And the one thing that made me depressed was that my so-called "friends" were just telling me that "They hate it when I'm like this" as in "I hate it when Sam gets depressed and starts talking about killing herself" A TRUE friend would have listened to WHY I was feeling like that, and get me to think more positive. But no, none of those so-called "friends", also co-workers, asked me what was wrong, why I felt so depressed, or wanted to kill myself, or even talk to me. They ignored me. And this makes me feel so much worse.....BUT, if I didn't have at least one true friend, I really wouldn't be here right now. She listened to what I had to say, and talked me out of it. She tried her best to make me laugh, and I did a few times.

Now I can't even face my co-workers....I told them that I was REALLY, seriously going to kill myself. But I'm still alive. And I can't face them now. I just want to start off on a clean slate.....new lifestyle, new friends, maybe, possibly, get a girlfriend; who knows. I'm thinking of quitting Little Caesar's and go work somewhere else...I'm going to call my doctor and ask for a better anxiety medication....one that I can take anytime of the day, and that is stronger than the one I'm taking right now.

I'm also thinking about shutting down Blooming Sakura....it's just not as active as it use to be. I post announcements at least twice a month, and one to three people respond to it out of what.....over 200? I don't want to be wasting my time on a forum they people rarely join.....but then again, there are some really nice people on there. But sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my time for nothing....that people don't care what I do to it....heh. ANYWAYS, on to a lighter topic.

I think people would like to know a bit more about me, so I decided to post a meme that I stole from shizuru19.

About Me

[yes] I am shorter than 5'5.
[yes] I think I'm ugly.
[yes] I have many scars.
[no] I can tan easily.
[no] I wish my hair was a different color.
[no] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[yes] I have a tattoo.
[no] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[no] I wear glasses. (I can't count using my glasses ONLY for reading lol)
[no] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[no] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[no] I have more than 10 piercings.
[no] I have a piercing(s) in places besides my ears.
[no] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[yes] I've sworn at my parents.
[no] I've run away from home.
[no] I've been kicked out of the house.
[no] My biological parents are together.
[no] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[yes] I want to have kids someday.
[no] I've had children.
[no] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[yes] I'm in school right now.
[yes] I have a job.
[yes] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[no] I've missed a week or more of school.
[yes] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[no] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[yes] I've stolen something from my job.
[no] I've been fired.
[yes] I've skipped school.

Embarrassment

[yes] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[yes] Disney movies still make me cry.
[no] I've peed from laughing.
[yes] I've snorted while laughing.
[yes] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[no] I've glued my hand to something.
[yes] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. (Once, when I was drinking at a friend's house, a Smirnoff)
[no] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health

[no] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[yes] I've gotten stitches.
[no] I've broken a bone.
[no] I've had my tonsils removed.
[no] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[no] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[no] I had a serious surgery.
[yes] I've had chicken pox. (Twice, actually.)

Traveling

[yes] I've ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[yes] I've been on a plane.
[no] I've been to Canada. (But I want to)
[Yes] I've been to Mexico.
[no] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[no] I've been to Japan. ( I WANT TO VISIT SOOO BADLY)
[no] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[yes] I've been to Europe.
[no] I've been to Africa.
[no] I've been to Asia.

Relationships

[no] I've gone on a blind date.
[yes] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[no] I have a fear of commitment.
[yes] I have a fear of abandonment.
[no] I've gotten divorced.
[yes] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[no] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.

Sexuality

[yes] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[no] I've had a one night stand
[yes] I've hugged a stranger.
[no] I have kissed a stranger.
[no] Been kissed by more than one person in one night.
[no] Kissed more than one person in one night.

Honesty/Crime

[no] I am a terrible liar.
[no] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[yes] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[no] I've snuck out of my house.
[yes] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[yes] I've cheated while playing a game.
[yes] I've run a red light. (ONLY once.)
[no] I've been suspended from school.
[yes] I've witnessed a crime.
[yes] I've been in a fist fight.
[no] I've been arrested.
[yes] I've shoplifted. (honestly, who hasn't? I stole a small balloon from the store when I was a kid, and that was it lol)

Drugs/Alcohol

[yes] I've consumed alcohol.
[yes] I've passed out from drinking.
[yes] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[no] I've smoked weed.
[no] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[no] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[no] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. (But I am diagnosed with Anxiety lmao)
[yes] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[yes] I take anti-depressants.
[yes] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[yes] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[no] I'm addicted to self harm.
[yes] I've woken up crying.
[yes] I've cried myself to sleep.
[yes] I've seen a therapist.

Death and Suicide

[no] I'm afraid of dying.
[yes] I hate funerals.
[yes] I've seen someone dying.
[yes] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[yes] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[yes] I've planned my own suicide.
[yes] I've attempted suicide.
[no] I've written a eulogy for myself.

And that's that. What a rough two days it's been....-sigh-

Well, I finally got my tattoo today! (and do I need to mention that it hurt like a mother f*cker!?!)


And yeah....that was about 2 hours after I got it done....I was in so much pain @__@

Well, the ShizNat forum is doing well ^^ We have over 150+ members...I'm happy about that *__*

I still haven't heard word from the university that I applied to about my acceptance/rejection...I'm so anxious >_<

So many more things to say.....but my mind is in such turmoil that I fear it will explode ._.

I'm at the school swimming pool, from my old high school. In my dream, the school had burned down, and had gotten rebuilt. My family was there as well. My sister Jessica was swimming in the pool. The pool is 13 feet deep on the deep side.. I said, "Hey Jessica, try to touch the bottom and come back up." She started swimming to the bottom on the deep end, but only got half way when something happened and she came back up, floating. I said "Oh my God!" and I dragged her out of  the water. I started performing CPR on her, while my stepdad was watching the whole thing, and I kept calling my mom over, because she's a CNA (certified nurse assistant) and knows how to perform CPR better than me, but by the time she came, my sister was dead. I began to cry hysterically.  I blamed myself for her death.

I looked into the deep end of the pool, and I noticed something strange in the water, the same area where my sister had floated back up. I leaned closer, and then a spirit came up at me and I screamed and backed away from the water. I then realized that the spirit was the cause of my sister's death, and I decided to avenge her death. He was an evil-looking spirit, and he told me that he enjoyed killing my sister. My mom kept blaming me for my sister's death, and I tried to tell her the spirit did it.

Then, that dream faded away and it went to another one. My other little sister, Kristina, was in pain. I asked her what's wrong, and she looked like she was possessed by an evil spirit. I tried to perform CPR on her, and she tried to tell me that she could breathe fine, and that something was coming out of her butt. There was an antenna looking thing coming out, and I grabbed it out. The possessed spirit in her screamed, and the thing that came out of her butt was a remote control to the spirit. I took the batteries out, and the spirit started to go crazy. My sister was running around, as if she was in pain, and I didn't know what to do.

My mind switched back and forth between other dreams, but I don't remember them as well. This dream was scary and wierd....and I think I cried in my sleep when my sister died. Weird.

My day was off to a bad start as I was awoken early to drop my sis off to school. I didn't get much sleep, and I was exhausted from the previous work day, so I wanted to sleep more. She took the internet modem out of my room and ran away. I chased her and began to hit her and yelled at her to give it back to me. She hit me back, hard. I finally managed to get the modem back, and she slapped me so hard on my back, that it was red for the rest of the day.

After dropping her off, I went home and tried to get some more sleep in. My mom calls me and says I have to clean her bathroom before I leave for work at 3. I asked my stepdad to help me out, since I had started cleaning the bathroom at 2 pm, and I still had to shower for work. I finished that, showered, and left. I went to my old work place to get some food, which I paid for, but the burgers weren't ready, so I asked them to make me a chicken sandwich instead. By the time the chicken sandwich was done, the burgers were too. So the manager put it all in a bag and told me to leave before she got into trouble. I go to the gas station next door, got an iced tea, and went to work.

It was slow at first, and I was tired as hell from yesterday. The work day didn't start off too bad, but then people starting to get fucking lazy, and we ran out of pepperoni pizza, so I was running back and forth from cutting and boxing up pizzas, to the area where we make them. A girl that I work with named Vanessa had left to get a fucking refill on her drink, and she took FOREVER. I was fucking pissed off, but I didn't let it show, or else those nosy fuckers would start saying things. So when she came back, I went outside and smoked, to vent off a bit. When Vanessa left, she didn't clean up SHIT. EVERYONE is supposed to clean something before they leave, but she didn't. That got me pissed. And when I talked to my other co-workers about it, they said that she does that often. Another co-worker slept the floor and didn't bother to pick up his shit. I left around 11 pm, and when I got home, I was locked out.

I sat outside for 20 minutes in the cold, waiting for my parents to get home and unlock the fucking door so I could go inside and rest. But no, it seemed Fate wanted to fuck with me even more, and my mom got on my case about college/ Here's the discussion from my memory:

Mom: Why do you have to go to college so far away?
Me: First off, from Texas to Alabama, it's not far away. And that university has one of the nations top mechanical engineering programs.
Mom: That's bullshit, Sam. You can go to a college here in this state, and not have to worry about paying over $500 a month for an apartment so far away.
Me: Mom, they don't have as good of a mechanical engineering program here. (I still haven't raised my voice yet, while my mom is yelling at me)
Mom: You're going to live in an apartment with someone you met over the internet. I don't like that.
Me: The same thing's gonna happen to me if I move into a dorm! I don't know who the hell is going to share a room with me! At least I know this person a bit.
Mom: I don't care, Sam. Your college is too far away, and I don't feel like paying to help you out.
Me: Fine, Mom! I'll just pay for it all myself! (I don't know why I even bothered to fucking ask her to help me pay anyways.)
Mom: I want to see how you'll manage that.
Me: I will somehow. I can't wait until I get out of this stupid house.
Mom: So you want to get away from me, huh? I knew that's why you chose that college.
Me: (I'm yelling now) You don't understand anything, Mom!! Yeah, that's it! I want to get as far away from you as possible! That's why I'm willing to spend over $500 a month at a place that's not so far away! You always want me around you so that you can control everything I do!!!
Mom: Don't you raise your voice at me! I'm your mother and you show respect to me!
Me: Well, you're not respecting me!
Mom: I'm your mother! You respect me first!
Me: I've been trying to!! But all you're doing is yelling at me!! I'm not going to show respect to someone who won't respect me in return!!!!
Mom: Fine, Sam! Go to that college and pay for it all yourself!!!
Me: FINE!

By this time, I run into my room and close the door. A few tears escape my eyes, but nothing more. I talked to Centauri on MSN about what had happened, because if I didn't let it out somehow, I would have screamed and started punching the wall until my hand was bleeding.

Anyways, that is all for my rant.

Well, I do believe I will be gone when the clock strikes 12, so I'm posting this a bit earlier than I should, but meh. :P

I want to wish all of you friends a nice and joyful New Year! I know many of you have had difficulties over the year, such as I have, but friends and family are what make it easier to get through, no matter what the obstacle. Some of us are lonely, others are depressed, miserable, happy, stressed, and maybe even drunk right at the moment. But we should never forget that we ourselves determine what our future will be like. We have the power within each of us to make the choices that will extend our paths in life, and maybe destiny plays a part here and there.

I don't mean to sound all preachy and what else, especially when a new year is about to start/has started. But, we all must continue to be strong! If life hands you a curve ball, swing at it with all of your might! Don't run away! You know....I should really listen to my own advice xD But I don't think people actually do that LOL


~ShizNat_No_Yume a.k.a. Samy

Well, the shoujo ai forum is growing nicely, I must say ^__^ I had recently left another forum, which I happened to learn is closing down, which makes me a bit sad, because we were all like family there. It's a bit stupid as to why they're closing it down, but I'm not involved in there anymore, so I really shouldn't do anything. My last day online will be tomorrow, since I'm leaving for Mexico. We're going to be driving there, so it'll take around 24 hours until we get all the way to Morelia -_- What a long ride...and no ShizNat will be there to comfort me T^T Ah well, I'll have my cell phone, so I can still text and go on MySpace XD

For those of you fans who haven't seen the forum yet, I recommend you at least check it out :D It's really starting to look good ^__^ www.bloomingsakura.co.nr

Well, that's it for now! The next time I post on LJ, I'll be sure to have pictures of the trip!

Happy Holidays! ^__^

~ShizNat_No_Yume a.k.a Samy

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

Oooo...I'm my favorite candy!! ;-; (I think I'm addicted to these memes lol)